Shame

One of the most dangerous and destructive things in the world is shame. For those in the LGBTQ+ community, often it develops right alongside our growing consciousness that there is something “different” or “wrong” with us because of who we are or who we love. This is not so different from the shame that stems from engaging in addictive behavior, and the painful shift in priorities that so often affects others in our lives. 

We feel shame when we recognize desires within ourselves that go against the social and cultural norms we were meant to abide by. We hear its voice on a loop in our brain. Eventually, we take on its narrative as our own, believing the lies that we are broken or “not good enough”, and if others knew the real us, they would reject us.

Avoidance

Understandably so, our experience of shame is incredibly uncomfortable and painful. To deal with our discomfort, we turn to substances to deny, dismiss, and disregard our emotions. In this, we learn to regulate our internal selves through an external means. 

This avoidance technique ultimately solves the wrong problem. Rather than speaking truth to the hurting parts of us, we silence and distance ourselves from them. We operate out of a desire to avoid the discomfort rather than find a solution for the pain. 

Often we find that while this may work for a while, the initial hurt and pain we experience has not lessened, and likely has only grown and, not to be ignored, has found other means of unintentional expression in our lives. 

Honesty

Moving from a cycle of shame and avoidance requires honest reflection. 

Again, ask yourself: Why do I drink? Why do I use? Is it to regulate my emotions? To feel? To stop feeling? To participate socially? To relax? To have a good time? 

More than that, you may also want to consider: How are your behaviors affecting others? How are they affecting you? What are the long-term patterns that you are establishing, and is that paving the way towards the type of life you want for yourself?

Vulnerability

The opposite of shame is vulnerability—it cannot survive when exposed to the light of our truth. 

Vulnerability, however, is by definition a courageous and uncomfortable process. It requires us to do the opposite of the avoidance that comes so naturally to us, and instead asks us to sit with the fear and hurt and pain, to feel it rather than rush through it.  

Vulnerability means giving a voice to the silenced and lost parts of us, nurturing them and reminding them of their value.